Wednesday, October 31, 2012
Quick Observation
After I made my first blog entry, I realized what day it was. And the irony was not lost on me that Halloween is known as the cross-dressers holiday. What other day do guys have a reason to be dressed like a woman in public and not take any real flak for it?
Let's Light This Candle!
Hi.
My name is Alex, and I'm a cross-dresser.
(Hi, Alex.)
Ok. That's about as far as I'm going to go with the SAA metaphor (Sex Addicts Anonymous). Although, maybe this blog will be my own version of SAA, and you might join me.
Look, I have been wearing women's clothing to get off sexually since I was 14. I'm now pushing 50, and it's time for me to get serious about getting off the roller-coaster.
I've been sober (clean, straight..... there has to be a better word. I'll think of one soon.) for 5 full days. This is not all that unusual. In the last ten years I've taken breaks from dressing for as much as 8 weeks. Always to return.
You're like me, right? You know the cycle.
Act out, guilt, remorse, move on with the day. Sometimes the day might end with an internal promise to NOT cross-dress. Or take a break from it. Or slow-down.... whatever.
But after a few days of not dressing, maybe a week or so. The desire comes back.
Will-power doesn't last that long, does it. (no, that's not a question)
Every once in a while I would do a google search on terms like "quit crossdressing" "cross-dressing addiction", "Sex Addiction", and for the most part there has been nothing that was specifically about my particular bent. A few years ago I found "stopcrossdressing.com". But I disregarded it because it was yet another faith-based effort to cease another addiction, AND there really wasn't much content or discussion there worth reading. However, I did run across it again last week. There's more discussion there now, and some observations worth considering.
I skimmed the site, looking for ideas that would draw me in. The one thing that stuck with me was the idea of getting "the elephant off my back". That phrase resonated with me.
Being a crossdresser is an incredible burden. When I'm in addicted mode, I would think about my female persona almost all the time: What clothing would I buy if I had the money? How would I behave? Fantasies running through my head of what actions I would take if I could be 18 and a GG (Genetic Girl). And when these thoughts arise, they are able to block out the rest of the thoughts that I SHOULD be having: How am I going to meet my deadlines? What will I do to help my kids in school? How can I get along with my wife?
And that's just the thinking part of it. When I'm in addicted mode there are also the actions. There are places online where you can chat with other 'girls' and 'guys' online. I might be dressed or not when online, but these times online for me are incredible time-sucking vortexes. My typical routine would be to get online right after the kids go to school. My wife works early so she is out the door before everyone. Once online, I would go to the most popular chat room for trans-gender people, and look for girls (and eventually guys) to do sexy chat with...... leading to sexual climax.
This process of getting online, meeting people, getting to the sex part is incredibly time-consuming.
Terribly time-consuming. Hours. As many as 6 hours a day.
Then the stress starts. If it was a 'girl' day, where I would get dressed, the aftermath was about cleaning up. Picking up all the clothes I wore during that session, putting them back in my secret clothing bins. If makeup was involved, then there's the extra process of cleaning that stuff up, and getting a shower, making sure to scrub extra on my eyes to get the mascara off. (baby oil just never seemed to do the job for me) And then to get all my stash bins back to their hiding place in time so that the kids won't come home and find daddy's 'girl' gear.
Then, since I've blown all my work time doing 'girl' time, I would find that when the kids got home, I would still be in my office doing work instead of keeping them in line and making sure that they're homework and chores are done.
You can see how I have been avoiding my duties as a father, and more.
But that phrase hit me last week. Get "the elephant off my back". The next day, Friday, I didn't think about being a girl. It's not that I tried to NOT think about it. I just didn't do it. Was able to focus on my job. I threw myself into my work at my workplace. And it was an incredibly freeing experience that day. I've been through this business of quitting too many times to believe that just because I 'will' it to be that it will remain so. But for that day, it was great. I felt like a kid again, before I discovered masturbation. A little bit of innocence, and just being a normal person getting through the day.
I need to wrap it up for now. I'll figure out what this blog is about and going to do as I (and maybe you too) go along.
Alex
My name is Alex, and I'm a cross-dresser.
(Hi, Alex.)
Ok. That's about as far as I'm going to go with the SAA metaphor (Sex Addicts Anonymous). Although, maybe this blog will be my own version of SAA, and you might join me.
Look, I have been wearing women's clothing to get off sexually since I was 14. I'm now pushing 50, and it's time for me to get serious about getting off the roller-coaster.
I've been sober (clean, straight..... there has to be a better word. I'll think of one soon.) for 5 full days. This is not all that unusual. In the last ten years I've taken breaks from dressing for as much as 8 weeks. Always to return.
You're like me, right? You know the cycle.
Act out, guilt, remorse, move on with the day. Sometimes the day might end with an internal promise to NOT cross-dress. Or take a break from it. Or slow-down.... whatever.
But after a few days of not dressing, maybe a week or so. The desire comes back.
Will-power doesn't last that long, does it. (no, that's not a question)
Every once in a while I would do a google search on terms like "quit crossdressing" "cross-dressing addiction", "Sex Addiction", and for the most part there has been nothing that was specifically about my particular bent. A few years ago I found "stopcrossdressing.com". But I disregarded it because it was yet another faith-based effort to cease another addiction, AND there really wasn't much content or discussion there worth reading. However, I did run across it again last week. There's more discussion there now, and some observations worth considering.
I skimmed the site, looking for ideas that would draw me in. The one thing that stuck with me was the idea of getting "the elephant off my back". That phrase resonated with me.
Being a crossdresser is an incredible burden. When I'm in addicted mode, I would think about my female persona almost all the time: What clothing would I buy if I had the money? How would I behave? Fantasies running through my head of what actions I would take if I could be 18 and a GG (Genetic Girl). And when these thoughts arise, they are able to block out the rest of the thoughts that I SHOULD be having: How am I going to meet my deadlines? What will I do to help my kids in school? How can I get along with my wife?
And that's just the thinking part of it. When I'm in addicted mode there are also the actions. There are places online where you can chat with other 'girls' and 'guys' online. I might be dressed or not when online, but these times online for me are incredible time-sucking vortexes. My typical routine would be to get online right after the kids go to school. My wife works early so she is out the door before everyone. Once online, I would go to the most popular chat room for trans-gender people, and look for girls (and eventually guys) to do sexy chat with...... leading to sexual climax.
This process of getting online, meeting people, getting to the sex part is incredibly time-consuming.
Terribly time-consuming. Hours. As many as 6 hours a day.
Then the stress starts. If it was a 'girl' day, where I would get dressed, the aftermath was about cleaning up. Picking up all the clothes I wore during that session, putting them back in my secret clothing bins. If makeup was involved, then there's the extra process of cleaning that stuff up, and getting a shower, making sure to scrub extra on my eyes to get the mascara off. (baby oil just never seemed to do the job for me) And then to get all my stash bins back to their hiding place in time so that the kids won't come home and find daddy's 'girl' gear.
Then, since I've blown all my work time doing 'girl' time, I would find that when the kids got home, I would still be in my office doing work instead of keeping them in line and making sure that they're homework and chores are done.
You can see how I have been avoiding my duties as a father, and more.
But that phrase hit me last week. Get "the elephant off my back". The next day, Friday, I didn't think about being a girl. It's not that I tried to NOT think about it. I just didn't do it. Was able to focus on my job. I threw myself into my work at my workplace. And it was an incredibly freeing experience that day. I've been through this business of quitting too many times to believe that just because I 'will' it to be that it will remain so. But for that day, it was great. I felt like a kid again, before I discovered masturbation. A little bit of innocence, and just being a normal person getting through the day.
I need to wrap it up for now. I'll figure out what this blog is about and going to do as I (and maybe you too) go along.
Alex
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